Episode Four: Extreme Makeover Edition
Ozma goes into the Nome King's palace to find the transformed royal family of Ev, and immediately makes a terrifying discovery. The Nome King apparently hired Liberace as his interior decorator. Read the description and tremble:
"The ceilings were composed of great arches that rose far above her head, and all the walls and floors were of polished marble exquisitely tinted in many colors. Thick velvet carpets were on the floor and heavy silken draperies covered the arches leading to the various rooms of the palace. The furniture was made of rare old woods richly carved and covered with delicate satins, and the entire palace was lighted by a mysterious rosy glow that seemed to come from no particular place but flooded each apartment with its soft and pleasing radiance. . .
"Upon the mantels, and on many shelves and brackets and tables, were clustered ornaments of every description, seemingly made out of all sorts of metals, glass, china, stones and marbles. There were vases, and figures of men and animals, and graven platters and bowls, and mosaics of precious gems, and many other things. Pictures, too, were on the walls, and the underground palace was quite a museum of rare and curious and costly objects."
Ordinary mortals would drop dead from sheer sensory overload, but Ozma herself lives in a palace encrusted with emeralds, so she can withstand the Nome King's Vegas-on-steroids aesthetic. However, she also starts to realize that the sheer number of objects on display makes it unlikely that any of her eleven guesses will be hits. She tries logic, picking items that might have something to do with the Queen of Ev or her children, but it doesn't work. Finally she just closes her eyes and guesses at random. Nada. Ozma has failed, and the Nome King's magic turns her into an emerald grasshopper.
And now we get to see just how great a villain the Nome King really is:
"In the throne room just beyond the palace the Nome King suddenly looked up and smiled. 'Next!' he said, in his pleasant voice."
The Nome King offers the next person twelve guesses, to include Ozma. Most of us would realize at this point that the game was rigged, and beat a hasty retreat -- maybe go get Glinda or General Jinjur or somebody. But no, the Tin Woodman feels duty-bound as the commander of Oz's Army to go look for Ozma. You'll never guess what happens to him. Actually you will -- he winds up an ornament just as she did.
One of the two Generals of Oz's Army is next up, but he declines to go -- until the Nome King threatens to have him tossed into one of the fiery furnaces if he won't play. That's right, this jolly fat monarch has devised a game they can't win and must play.
Did I mention the Nome King is L. Frank Baum's greatest villain? The Wicked Witch of the West (book version) was cruel and mean, but ultimately rational. The Nome King is a sadistic madman with nearly unlimited powers. He's like the bad guy in Saw, only slightly more hygienic.
But he's perfectly pleasant to his victims. His steward serves coffee and cake while the remaining officers and the lone private in the Army of Oz go into the palace and fail. The private takes so long at his guesses that the Nome King is too tired to continue and decides to knock off for the night and resume toying with his captives in the morning. Dorothy and the others get lovely rooms for the night.
Billina finds a convenient hollow under the Nome King's throne and falls asleep. Pay attention to the chicken. She overhears the Nome King and his steward chatting about the King's little game. In the course of it the Nome King goes all Bond Villain and spills his sinister plan. Billina overhears everything.
What would fictional heroes do if the bad guys weren't egotistical lunatics who insist on explaining what they're up to? It seems totally ridiculous and contrived . . . except that it really happens. Hitler spelled out his plans in Mein Kampf. Ted "Unabomber" Kaczynski sent a long typed manifesto to the press. Jeffrey Dahmer kept photos and "souvenirs" of his victims in his apartment. (Compare this to the behavior of, say, bank robbers or jewel thieves -- they may slip up but they don't deliberately create incriminating evidence.)
There's a common bit of advice to writers about creating evil characters -- the idea is that no one thinks they are a villain; we are all the heroes of our own stories. But the way real-life villains go out of the way to record and boast of their crimes makes me wonder if this is really true. I think there are people in the world who are evil, who know they are evil, and seem to take pride in it. Once again, the real world is less realistic than fiction.
Anyway. Tiktok fails, but Dorothy lucks out and picks one ornament which actually is a member of the Ev Dynasty -- a purple kitten which turns into little Prince Evring. She can't find any others, but her success means she can leave the palace without being transformed. As always, Dorothy is unstoppable.
However, while she's guessing, Billina lays her morning egg under the King's throne and the Nome King absolutely freaks out. He reveals that eggs are poison to Nomes (or at least Nomes think they are poison). Billina won't let the Scarecrow take the egg away until the Nome King agrees to let her enter the palace and guess. He agrees, rather ungracefully.
The Scarecrow fails, and the Nome King has enjoyed himself so much he's willing to let the rest of them go. But Billina insists, and marches into the palace. Pay attention to the chicken.
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