Just The Caffeine Talking: A Message To Rock Musicians Everywhere

I have a particular handicap: I listen to song lyrics. Now, don't get me wrong -- I'm not one of those people who thinks long and hard about the profound and secret meaning of song lyrics. (No, Charles, I don't think that's what "Helter Skelter" is supposed to be about.) But I do pay attention to them.

Among other things, this means I find songs with grammatical errors almost painful to listen to. I don't mind a little colorful down-home "ain't no" or "don't got none" (even when it's written and performed by a Cambridge grad). But Jim Morrison ending a line ". . . for you and I" makes his song "Touch Me" grate on my ears every time I hear it.

But over the past few years I have discovered another trope in pop song lyrics which is almost as bad. I refer to the micro-sub-genre of rock singers writing rock songs about how hard it is to be a rock singer.

There are surprisingly many examples of this, from the self-parody of Joe Walsh's "Life's Been Good," to the fairly good-natured "Stay" by Jackson Browne. But for sheer solipsistic whining I don't think any pop song can approach Bob Seger's "Turn the Page." Seems like everybody with a guitar and a contract has to do one number about how hard his life is.

I can't think of any other creative endeavor with so many examples of blazing self-pity on the part of the creators. Playwrights don't write plays about how hard their lives are, moviemakers make pictures about how shallow and conceited moviemakers are, but they don't complain about the work itself. (Even science fiction writers are more inclined to depict ourselves as goof-offs or eccentrics than as victims.)

It's particularly weird because rock stars are about the most glamorous thing out there right now. They're our society's Dionysian avatars. They get worship, they are free to indulge in all excess, and they are tacitly held exempt from the normal standards of behavior. Which means that complaining about it is like bitching because your gold bars aren't shiny enough.

A bit of unsolicited advice for all you rockers out there: stop it. Don't write any more songs about how rough it is being a rock music star.

Because if being a rock musician is such an ordeal there's a really simple way to solve your problem: get a real job. Become a roofer, or a farmer, or an oilfield roughneck, or a chicken processor. Then you can complain. But doing something millions of others dream about -- and then whining about how hard it is -- makes you look like a bunch of jerks.

Oh, and learn some goddamned grammar!