Maybe it's because I grew up in Louisiana. Pumpkin pie was not a common dessert when I was a kid. At Thanksgiving we ate pecan pie, and I remember my grandmother making sweet potato pie a few times. I heard of Pumpkin pie, from the song "Over the River and Through the Woods" or various Thanksgiving animated holiday specials. But I never ate it until I was an adult, and never found it particularly appealing.
So in the past decade I have been puzzled and amused at the slow pumpkinification of America. "Pumpkin spice latte" became a seasonal item at Starbucks, and Yankee Candle, up the road from my house, introduced pumpkin spice candles. But in the past few years it has gone from baffling to alarming, and the new Trader Joe's flyer demonstrates that Things Have Gone Too Far.
Page 1: Pumpkin Bread Mix (okay, I guess; there's zucchini bread, so this isn't too weird); Organic Pumpkin Toaster Pastries (pumpkin pop tarts? nah); Pumpkin Tortilla Chips (urg!)
Page 2: Blessedly pumpkin-free!
Page 3: Honey Roasted Pumpkin Ravioli (ick)
Page 4: Another soothing respite.
Page 5: Organic Canned Pumpkin (pretentious, but okay)
Page 6: Pumpkin Cranberry Crisps (like the tortilla chips, only WORSE)
Page 7: Sneaky bastards. At first it seems like another welcome break from the orange onslaught. But read closely in the description of Autumn Harvest Pasta Sauce, and what's lurking there? Pumpkin! YOU ARE NEVER SAFE.
Page 8: Ginger Pumpkin Mini Mouthfuls (ice cream sandwiches! pumpkin in ice cream sandwiches! little children's ice cream, Mandrake!)
Page 9: I obsessively scan the page, trying to find how they can adulterate olive oil with pumpkin, then breathe a sigh of relief. Perhaps the madness is receding.
Page 10: AAAAH! Pumpkin Bagels. Pumpkin Cream Cheese Muffins. Pumpkin Spice Granola (because of course it is). Nonfat Greek Pumpkin Yogurt (that whirring sound is the wings of the Kindly Ones).
Page 11: Pumpkin Cereal Bars. Pecan Pumpkin Instant Oatmeal. Pumpkin Cranberry Scone Mix. Pumpkin Spice Rooibos Tea (yoga pants are mandatory with this item). Please make it stop.
Page 12: No mercy at all. Gluten Free Pumpkin Pancake Mix. Pumpkin Butter. Pumpkin Bar Baking Mix. Pumpkin Pie Spice Cookie Butter.
Page 13: Pumpkin Waffles. Pumpkin Cheesecake. I am whimpering now.
Page 14: Pumpkin Seed Brittle. Iced Pumpkin Scone Cookies (they're just randomly combining words now). Pumpkin Panettone (vendicamme!). Pumpkin Pie Spice (the source of the evil, right there).
Page 15: Pumpkin Biscotti. Belgian Chocolate Pumpkins (does for chocolate what the Prussians did for Louvain). Dark Chocolate Pumpkin Spice Salted Caramels. Pumpkin Pancake & Waffle Mix. MAKE IT STOP.
Page 16: Raw Pumpkin Seeds (destroy them before they grow! YOU'LL BE NEXT!)
Page 17: Pumpkin Rolls with Pumpkin Spice Icing (stolen from the Hogwarts cafeteria, apparently). I am curled into fetal position now.
Page 18: Is it true . . . ? No pumpkin? Can our long nightmare be over?
Page 19: Yes! Two pages in a row without pumpkin. We made it!
Page 20: GAAAH! Like a slasher in a horror movie, the pumpkins are back! Pumpkin Bread Pudding. Pumpkin Macarons. Mini Pumpkin Pies (they can hide anywhere). Pumpkin Pie Mochi Ice Cream. Pita Crisps with Cranberries & Pumpkin Seeds.
Page 21: Pumpkin Spice Chai. Pumpkin Body Butter ("It puts the pumpkin on its skin . . . ") Pumpkin Dog Treats (your dog will eat them, then look at you reproachfully).
Page 22: Pumpkin Joe Joe's Cookies. Pumpkin Ice Cream (we must protect our essence, Mandrake). Decorative Mini Pumpkins. Pumpkin Cornbread Mix. Pumpkin Cream Cheese. Can't . . . hold . . . out . . . much . . . longer . . .
Page 23: Pumpkin Spice Coffee. Orange Pumpkins (which is to say, actual pumpkins). Pumpkin Spiced Pumpkin Seeds (pumpkin-flavored pumpkin!). I hear the laughter. It does not stop. And then I realize it is who am laughing.
Page 24: Gluten Free Pumpkin Bread & Muffin Baking Mix. Pumpkin Spice Coffee. Trader Joe's Pumpkin-Os.
And there the manuscript breaks off, with nothing but some orange stains at the bottom of the page.
I achieved semantic satiety around page 16. The word 'pumpkin' is just meaningless noise to me now.
Posted by: Chuk Goodin | 10/08/2015 at 06:48 PM