Just The Caffeine Talking

Most Infuriating Thing I've Seen Today

I drove past a hair-styling parlor with a fancy custom neon sign showing a pair of scissors and the name of the place: "A Notch Above."

Huh?

It should be "A Cut Above." Hair parlors all have lame-ass pun names — Mane Event, Short Cuts, Shear Magic, Curl Up and Dye, Cutting Edge, Hair Today, etc. 

A Notch Above just doesn't make sense on any level. That's not even a common figure of speech. You say something or someone is "a CUT above" the norm. Not a notch. Google returns more than 600,000 hits for "A Cut Above" + hair + salon. 

Really, if they can't even get their lame-ass pun name right, I wouldn't trust the owners anywhere near my head with sharp objects.

Note: I'm sure the owners of A Notch Above are actually quite skilled and their beauty parlor is undoubtedly a lovely place. They just need to work on their lame-ass puns.

Random Encounters: The Ruined Arcology

It seemed like Utopia: a city in a single building — high-tech, secure, and "sustainable." Shopping, entertainment, health clubs, offices, and services all in one gleaming structure. When the giant multinational company built it, the planners envisioned a hundred-story "company town" filled with fifty thousand workers and executives. They'd get coddled and cared for in exchange for loyalty to the company. But no plan, especially not an architect's dream, survives contact with changing markets and land values. The company went bankrupt years ago, and now the building sits, caught in a tangle of conflicting claims and lawsuits, too big to fill and too expensive to knock down. Drifters, gangs, and all manner of shady characters have taken over entire floors. Police and the demoralized building security guards prefer to stay out.    

ENCOUNTERS IN THE RUINED ARCOLOGY

(Roll 1d20 when moving, 1d10 when stationary.)

1. Roll twice and combine
2. Plot advancing encounter: Someone or something related to whatever brought you into the ruined arcology.
3. Bats! This section is home to a huge colony of bats, which leave at twilight and return at dawn. They're harmless, but most people don't know that and a hundred thousand bats are kind of intimidating.
4. Blackout: All power goes out for 2d6 times 10 minutes. Elevators stop, corridors are pitch-dark, and electronic systems shut down.
5. Deranged Cyborg: It's an eight-foot machine of rusty steel and yellowing plastic, controlled by a human brain going mad inside its support tank.
6. Drone: An autonomous machine. Roll 1d6 to see what kind it is. 1: Biomonitor taking air samples, 2: Cleaner futilely trying to vacuum and wax the floor, 3: Delivery Drone with a package worth 1d100 dollars, 4: Hunter drone hunting you with a built-in submachine gun, 5: Media drone watching you, 6: Police/Security looking for trouble.
7. Gang Members: 2d6 young tough guys armed with knives and clubs. The leader has a pistol. They will at least demand a bribe, and may just decide to defend their turf by killing you.
8. Gas Trap: The air vents fill the room with knockout gas. Victims get a chance to notice they're feeling groggy before it takes effect. After half an hour two organ-harvesters arrive wearing gas masks. They purge the atmosphere, take out their tools, and start taking people apart.
9. Girl Scouts: 2d6 girls armed with AR-15 rifles, going door to door selling cookies. All of them have the Urban Guerrilla merit badge.
10. Vigilante: He's a veteran of urban warfare, and is fully equipped with combat armor and lots of weapons. This floor is under his protection.
11. Atrium: A hundred-story shaft with broken skylights at the top. It offers access to all floors, and a way out. There are elevators which may or may not work, stairs which may or may not be barricaded — or you could just climb up or down.
12. Burned-Out Floor: A fire swept through here a few months ago. The interior walls are blackened skeletons, the ceiling is gone, and the floor has hidden holes and gaps.
13. Chased! Roll again to see who's after you. Depending on who it is, the pursuers may be a loud angry mob, a determined hunter, or a stealthy stalker.
14. Chili Shop: Akira Minamori came here from Osaka to pursue his obsessive dream of creating the world's greatest chili. His tiny unlicensed chili parlor is neutral territory because nobody wants him to stop cooking.
15. Hacker: Xu Xi (a.k.a. "2O") used to be the keystone of the corporation's IT department, now he stays in his apartment living on drone-delivered sushi. He can use the building's monitors and security systems, and take over any drones. He knows (or can find out) a lot of secrets.
16. Holograms: This area is filled with projections of what the building designers imagined when the arcology was new. There are happy families, well-scrubbed kids, and affluent shoppers, all in demographically perfect ratios.
17. Illegal Gene Parlor: "Doc" Singh who runs this place makes a living doing basic medical care, but her passion is creating new hybrid organisms. Pull out any book of monsters to see what she's cooking up.
18. Mall Ninjas: 2d4 ninjas in full "ninja costume" armed with gift-shop katanas and throwing stars. They hide in unlikely places and attack by surprise.
19. Toxic Waste: It's expensive to dispose of hazardous substances properly, but stacking the drums in empty apartments in a building nobody cares about costs almost nothing. The unlabeled drums hold biohazards, poisons, corrosive chemicals, flammable or explosive substances, and radioactive material. And they're starting to leak . . .
20. Tracks: Roll again to see what happened or passed through just before you arrived.

SITUATIONS IN THE RUINED ARCOLOGY

(Roll 1d6 for the situation, then roll on the table above to see who or what is involved.)

1. A desires B
2. A wants to capture B
3. A wants B dead
4. A wants to go somewhere
5. A wants to solve a mystery
6. A wants X

Arkad eARC Available!

If you can't stand to wait for a printed copy of my new novel Arkad's World (and aren't picky about things like copy-editing), the electronic Advance Reading Copy is now available. Read a free sample or buy the whole thing here at the Baen Web site.

I honestly think this is my best book yet. It was delayed by a couple of false starts, and then by the loss of my editor David Hartwell at Tor, but now it's finally on the way. I'm tremendously excited that other people can finally visit the world I lived in for two years while writing it.

Random Encounters: At Scintillation

You've wandered into the amazing Holiday Inn Centre-Ville in Montreal, but there's some kind of odd event going on. Over the course of the weekend roll 1d20 every hour during the day to see who or what you encounter.

1. Roll Twice and Combine
2. Plot-Advancing Encounter: Someone or something related to whatever brought you to Montreal in the first place.
3. Dim Sum Lunch: 3d20 people eating Dim Sum at one of the many restaurants in Montreal's Chinatown.
4. Koi Pond: A large pond occupies the center of the hotel lobby, crossed by 1d6 bridges. The pond houses large goldfish — what makes them so big?
5. Tour Group: A band of 2d6 people setting out to explore Montreal's Old Port area.
6. Jo Walton: Award-winning fantasy writer and organizer of the Scintillation convention. Her motives for doing so are a secret. There is a 50 percent chance she is reading a poem or story aloud when encountered.
7. Bookseller: A stall selling books by writers at the convention. There is a 25 percent chance of finding the book you're looking for.
8. Scientists! 1d6 scientists answering questions from audience members. At least one scientist is Diane A. Kelly.
9. Hotel Bar: Overlooking the Koi Pond, it has decent Dim Sum and slightly pricey drinks. Roll again on the table to see who is having a drink.
10. Game Session: An original Call of Cthulhu scenario run by a tall balding man. There are 1d6-5 people playing.
11. Max Gladstone: Fantasy author and occasional fencer; can be bribed to join in any skullduggery.
12. Fran Wilde: Fantasy writer and artist. There is a 50 percent chance she is accompanied by an invisible flying giant squid.
13. Rich Horton: Editor and reviewer with a large beard. There is a 25 percent chance that it is his birthday.
14. Editors! 1d6 Tor Books editors armed with cake knives.
15. Ada Palmer: University of Chicago historian and science fiction novelist, equipped with a robot flying car.
16. Reading: 1d6 authors reading fiction. There is a 50 percent chance it is fantasy.
17. Panel Discussion: 2d4 writers, editors, or scholars discussing a topic related to science fiction, fantasy, or games. There is a 50 percent chance per minute of learning some valuable information.
18. Concert: 1d6 writers and professors performing original music.
19. Party! 3d20 people in a function room eating cake and drinking Canadian beer.
20. Tracks/Aftermath: Roll again to see what you just missed. There is a 50 percent chance you will be drafted to help clean up.

Time to Clean House

Academics worried about "anti-intellectualism" in modern society need to realize that the modern system of research universities and scholarly journals needs some serious housecleaning. Read this article to see why. Until scholars can muster the courage to stop encouraging and defending fashionable nonsense, the rot will continue.

Random Encounters: The Underground World

No, not the familiar roleplaying realm of 10-foot grid squares and angsty Drow. This is the underworld of pulp adventure! In giant caves and artificial tunnels, three factions war for supremacy: the sadistic Deros, masters of ancient super-science; the dreaded Fungus Vampires; and the primordial Cthonians. Explorers may find their way down here through natural caves, or aboard a mechanical mole machine. Getting out is the hard part.

ENCOUNTERS UNDERGROUND

(Roll 1d20 when moving, 1d10 when stationary.)

1. Roll Twice and Combine
2. Plot Advancing Encounter: Someone or something related to the reason the heroes are underground in the first place.
3. Bugs! A swarm of mutant cockroaches capable of generating (and withstanding) high temperatures. Anyone within the swarm takes burning damage, and gear made of cloth or paper may catch fire.
4. Cthonian: A huge silicon-skinned worm with tentacles and a hostile intellect. It cannot speak but can write with acid on the rocks. There is a 50 percent chance it is hungry, and desires only to eat the party, but otherwise it will try to force or bribe humans into serving it.
5. Dero Raiding Party: 2d6 Deros patrolling the caverns in search of runaways, fungal encroachments, or intruders from the Upper World. Half are armed with nerve-whips, the others have flamethrowers.
6. Flood! A sudden surge of water fills the cave you're in. Swim for the exit or risk being swept away.
7. Fungus Vampires: Once members of the Ahnenerbe-SS Hollow Earth expedition of 1940, they are now 1d6 gray brittle monstrosities desperate to feed on living tissue.
8. Giant Salamander: It's big, hungry, and relentless. Though blind, it can sense vibrations and follow a trail by scent, and it can squeeze through any opening.
9. Runaway Slave: A captive of the Deros who decided the chance of freedom was worth the risk. He bears the scars of horrifying surgeries inflicted as punishment, and knows a lot about the hidden empire of the Deros.
10. Tremor! Rocks fall as the earth shakes and shifts. Once the immediate danger is over, you may find old passages blocked and new ones created.
11. Ancient Passages: Artificial tunnels thousands of years old. The carvings on the walls reveal disturbing truths about the origin of humanity.
12. Dero City: A huge cave lit by radium lamps, filled by a labyrinthine city of gold and obsidian. 2d6 thousand Deros live here, with twice that number of slaves. Assume 1/20 of the Deros are trained soldiers armed with flamethrowers or nerve-whips.
13. Egg Chamber: A room holding 3d6 Cthonian eggs. Harming them makes you a giant superintelligent worm enemy for life. But Deros will pay well for them in slaves or ancient super-tech.
14. Fungus Hunters: 2d6 Fungus Vampires pursuing you. The Fungus Intelligence wants something and won't give up until it gets it.
15. Gas Cave: A cave full of methane. You start to feel dizzy after 1d6 minutes, and will pass out and suffocate if you can't get out. And if you have any open flame with you . . . BOOM!
16. Nazi Tunnel Machine: The Ahnenerbe-SS Bohrwagen,long since rusted into immobility. But inside there are usable machine-pistols, drinking water, canned meat, and sealed packets of hardtack. A clever technician can make use of the machine's parts, and it's possible the crew cached some loot here before the Fungus Intelligence took them.
17. Spiders: A cave full of webs and giant albino spiders.
18. Trap! (Roll 1d6) 1-3: Dero Psychic Field prevents you from leaving, 4-5: Fungus Spore Bomb infects you, 6: Crude Snare tangles you for 1d6 rounds.
19. Underground River: A swift and cold river, big enough for boats. Getting across it is a challenge, and one can only sail downstream. Where does it lead? There is a 50 percent chance that swimmers will attract Giant Salamanders or blind cave piranhas.
20. Tracks: Roll again to see what passed recently.

SITUATIONS UNDERGROUND

(Roll 1d6 for a situation, then roll on the table above to determine the parties involved.)

1. A desires B
2. A wants to capture B
3. A wants B dead
4. A wants to go somewhere
5. A wants to solve a mystery
6. A wants X