For more than twenty years now I've done a lot of my writing in coffee shops. It gets me out of the house, I can observe my fellow pseudointellectuals and blowhards, and I don't have to answer the phone or walk the dog.
In that time I've seen a lot of coffee shop employees. A lot of them are part-timers, and the turnover is high, so even in towns where we only spent a couple of years I've gone through multiple generations of baristas. After a while one notices some recurring types. Here is the fruit of my decades of fieldwork: The Baristiary.
THE CONNOISSEUR: Some people work at Starbucks or a local coffee shop in order to make money. And then there are the ones who work there because they care a whole lot about coffee. Connoisseur Baristas are the ones who can deploy a whole battery of wine-snob vocabulary to describe differences among coffee varieties and roast styles.
Good Points: Actually do know what they're talking about, which can be interesting for the first hour or so.
Bad Points: The second and third hour, plus the barely-concealed sigh when you just want regular drip coffee.
THE INTENSE GUY: Always male, usually below average height and with very short or no hair. Either no tattoos or a full Yakuza paint job. Generally a few years older than the rest of the staff. These guys seem quite bright and articulate, very hard-working, so much so that you're a little surprised to see them pulling lattes for minimum wage. That surprise lasts until they engage someone (maybe you) in conversation. The Intense Guy has one or two subjects that he cares intensely about and has researched extensively. The most benign Intense Guys care intensely about some musical or cinema subgenre, but unfortunately most of them care intensely about socialism, or Objectivism, or genetically-modified crops, or (sigh) national politics. Their extensive research consists of having read one book which Explains Everything, and a bunch of Web sites put up by other Intense Guys. A few Intense Guys go on to become store managers or get real jobs, and the rest wind up on watch lists somewhere.
Good Points: Efficient at the job, willing to go beyond the standard drink list.
Bad Points: You may actually care very intensely about the same thing; that never ends well.
THE TEMP: Hard to describe because you only see her once. Maybe you said, "You're new here, right?" and the Temp said, "Yeah," and the next time you came in she was gone. If you ask the other staff about her, expect either a derisive snort or a shrug.
Good Points: New face.
Bad Points: Never stays long enough to learn the job.
THE LIFER: If you're nineteen, working at a coffee shop is pretty cool. It's not very hard work, really; the hours are usually pretty flexible; you get to chat with other local hipsters and intellectual poseurs. It's less cool when you're thirty-nine, but about half the coffee shops I go to have a Lifer on the staff, who decided that going to college parties, following local bands, getting stoned, and going mountain biking are all he or she needs out of life. Very likely to have neck or face tattoos.
Good Points: Continuity.
Bad Points: You worry that your children will wind up like that.
THE FOUNDER: The one who started it all. Usually a man, unless the shop offers a lot of baked goods. Forty to fifty years old — a few are older, and took this up after retiring from a much more prestigious and high-paying career. Essentially a combination of The Connoisseur and The Lifer, but with some entrepreneurial talent, a source of capital, and fewer tattoos. This is the mysterious older guy who comes in at odd times, asks the customers how they're enjoying their drinks, frowns slightly at the people with laptops open, and then goes behind the counter and rearranges everything while muttering "we have a system for this!" When he leaves the staff put everything back where it was.
Good Points: If you have a complaint, it will be listened to and probably acted upon.
Bad Points: You tend to learn more than you care to know about the problems of running a small service-sector business.
THE OVERWHELMED: It's too intense behind the counter! There's orders to fill, transactions to ring up, spills to wipe — the pressure is too much! When this barista is on duty, even with others on hand to help, everything is a crisis. Expect shouting, swearing, and lots of under-the-breath grumbling. Especially about how much you put in the tip jar.
Good Points: Amusing to listen to.
Bad Points: Treats any request as an intolerable burden.
THE HOT ONE: This Barista is young, fit, ridiculously good-looking, and either has no tattoos or actually chose ones which are flattering. Clothing is cut off, form-fitting, transparent, or all three. Customers of the opposite sex spend an awful lot of time making awkward small talk with this Barista, and the tip jar is always topped-up. Goes home at the end of shift with a partner who is either even hotter or "that?!"
Good Points: Nice to look at.
Bad Points: Out of your league, sir or madam. Actual coffee-making skills are likely to be minimal.
THE TATTOO BORE: "This one says 'Do or do not, there is no try' in Chinese. Or maybe it's Japanese. I don't remember. Anyway, it's a quote from Gandhi. This is a picture of the cat I used to have, and this is a picture of my current kitty. This is the Viking rune for Coexistence. On the back of my leg here I got a unicorn, because that's my spirit animal. And on the other leg I have a pentagram — this one is point up which makes it a silver magic sign. Point down is hurtful magic. Then here on my back . . . "
Good Points: Um . . .
Bad Points: As long as there's some un-inked skin left they can alterate between talking about the tattoos they already have and the tattoos they're going to get.
THE STUDENT VISA: Usually a couple of years older than the normal run of Baristas, the Student Visa dresses like an adult, does a reasonably professional job, and — despite the heavy accent — has interesting things to say. Often the Student Visa is both an expert on some extremely difficult academic subject, and a huge fan of some obscure aspect of American pop culture. Sadly, in a couple of years the Student Visa will move on to well-paid tech job in California, or go back home overseas to become Deputy Minister For Foreign Trade.
Good Points: Has probably had all the coffee drinks in their original form and knows what they're supposed to taste like. Also: functional human being.
Bad Points: NSA is probably logging your Web cruising while you're in the cafe.
I expect there are some types I've missed. If anyone has additions, please feel free to add them in the comments.
FUNNY! Maybe I'll swipe some of this in a novel...
Posted by: Gregory Benford | 05/30/2019 at 01:57 PM