Just The Caffeine Talking

Arisia 2020 Report, Day 3

Sunday was my final day at the con. Most conventions are three-day affairs: show up Friday afternoon, do stuff Friday night and Saturday, maybe a few things Sunday morning, then head home after lunch. Not Arisia. Taking advantage of the MLK Day weekend, it stretches into Monday. That means Sunday is a busy full day rather than the tag end. 

I started my day moderating a panel on "Ringworld at 50," celebrating half a century since the publication of Larry Niven's landmark novel Ringworld. Opinions of the book among the five panelists varied, but we all agreed it's one of the most influential books of that era — not to mention a turning point in Mr. Niven's own career.

Slight pause after that, while I busied myself getting checked out of the hotel and finding a place to stash my stuff. Arisia may be a four-day convention, but I had prior commitments on the 20th and so couldn't stay to the end. 

I did manage to sit in on a couple of panels. The first was on book to film adaptations, and how one's impression of a work is affected by which version one experiences first. There are some cases where the film is actually better than the novel — my personal example is Carl Sagan's book Contact, which is full of plot holes the movie version avoids.

Another very useful panel was about crowdfunding and tabletop games. I may be dipping a toe into the Kickstarter world with an upcoming roleplaying game project, so it was all very informative. Watch this space for more information!

At 5:30 I participated in the panel "Writers React to Bad Writing," which might well have been called "Writers Forget Their Homework." We were all supposed to bring examples of bad prose to pick apart, but a minority of the panelists actually accomplished that simple task. I had selected a passage from Dan Brown's thriller Inferno, but cleverly left my copy at home so I had to reconstruct it from memory.

During the empty slot between that panel and my final event I taped an interview for Tyromag TV, which will probably appear in a few weeks. I don't think I picked my nose on camera.

I wound up my participation in convention programming by moderating the panel on "Hacking D&D," in which five panelists suggested rules tweaks or entire game mechanics from other games which can be ported into the most popular roleplaying system. In most cases they can probably be used in just about any game system without much tweaking. At least a couple of the examples are things I plan to use in games from now on.

With that done I could drop my name card into a recycling bin and join some other CSFWites at the ongoing "House of Toast" party. I had kind of assumed "Toast" was a euphemism, or maybe an acronym for something, but no, it was a party with about half a dozen toasters working full time popping out bread, and tables of exotic stuff to spread on them. We crunched down our toast and left the con. I got a lift to where my car was parked, and drove through a cold night back home.

 

A secret order of wizards rules the world, and one man has vowed to destroy them. The Initiate arrives in just two weeks!

Arisia 2020 Report, Day 2

Saturday the 18th was a light-duty day for me, which meant I got to enjoy the con as a member rather than as one of the dancing monkeys. 

Still fighting off my cold, I slept in on Saturday morning, starting my day by having brunch with my CSFW colleague Alexander Jablokow at a nearby Mexican restaurant. Many things of great import were discussed, though I can't quite recall any of them at the moment.

In early afternoon I sat in on a Meetup for gamemasters, discussing techniques, best practices, and resources. I had hoped to find some other gamers from western Massachusetts, but no luck. 

After that I took a turn about the dealer room and the Art Show. The quality of the artwork on display at Arisia is the highest I've seen at any convention since the Worldcon I attended in the summer of 2018.

In the late afternoon I watched a fascinating talk by David Shaw about the future of food. Unlike most studies of this topic, which focus on production, he concentrated on how new technologies and methods are affecting the art of cooking. Nor was this just theory: the talk was illustrated by slides of amazing dishes he himself had prepared. 

Following that I met with author Walter Hunt, chiefly in order to gush about his new novel Harmony in Light, and hear super-secret details of the upcoming sequel. 

After a rest to recharge my batteries, I put on my dancing-monkey costume and led a meetup for writers at 10:00 p.m. They were a great bunch, and I hope to see some of the works-in-progress they talked about during the session. 

And then off to bed and out like a snuffed candle.

 

A secret order of wizards rules the world. One man has vowed to destroy them. The Initiate by James L. Cambias is coming to a bookstore near you February 4. 

Arisia 2020 Report, Day 1

I drove out to Boston on a sunny but cold January afternoon, left the car at the disintegrating Alewife garage, and rode the T to the good old Westin Waterfront hotel.

Various delays en route and long lines at the hotel meant I barely had time to get my room, get my Arisia badge, and get my Participant Packet before it was time for my first event. But despite the crowds the hotel and convention staff were very efficient, so I was able to slide into the Independence room with a few minutes to spare.

"Stories From the Cities" was the title for a session of three readings by Andrea Hairston, W.B.J. Williams, and myself. Dr. Hairston read a couple of rousing chapters from her upcoming fantasy novel, Mr. Williams shared part of an urban fantasy work-in-progress, and I read an excerpt from (of course) The Initiate. All three seemed well-received by the half-dozen attendees — not a bad crowd for the very first time slot at 5:30 on Friday afternoon.

Immediately after that, conveniently in the same room, we had the panel on "Not With My Intellectual Property, You Don't." The panel included Diane Martin, Kristin Janz, Emperor Joey 1, Mark Painter, and myself. It became a very lively and thoughtful round-table discussion, touching on the effect of corporate ownership on works of art, the role of pastiche, fan fiction, and reimaginings; and kindred topics.

Then I hustled all the way across the hotel for a very fun panel about the Bone Wars between Othniel Charles Marsh and Edward Drinker Cope. With a peerless panel of experts including Mark Amidon, Ken Gale, and Jeff Hecht, we filled the hour with fun paleontology history. The four of us dovetailed nicely in our knowledge areas, so we had excellent "chemistry" and energy.

I paid a visit to the Art Show, hobnobbed with the convention's Guest of Honor, Cadwell Turnbull, and then . . . I went to bed. I'd been fighting a cold all afternoon, and didn't really think it would be wise to spread viruses around the hotel and just make myself sicker in the process.

Con Impressions: a big crowd, lots of young people. Fewer hall costumes than I recall from past years, but the brutally cold day might have something to do with that. Convention management ran extremely smoothly. The 75-minutes time slots with 15-minute breaks in between gave everybody time to get around and the panelists could spend a full hour in discussion. I think I prefer the longer time slots.

 

A secret order of wizards rule the world. One man has vowed to destroy them. The Initiate arrives February 4, 2020!

Three Weeks Until THE INITIATE

My new novel The Initiate officially comes out on February 4 — although I've already got a box of copies, so it seems likely that some bookstores will get theirs in the next couple of weeks. 

Booklist will review it February 1, and the advance word is good. I'm allowed to quote a little snippet:

"Cambias' energetic prose and grim take of the idea of a secret wizard community should please most urban fantasy readers."

— Booklist

 

I couldn't ask for a fairer description of The Initiate.

 

We're still setting up promotional events, but I can list what's already scheduled.

 

January 17: At 5:30 p.m. I'll be reading a selection from The Initiate at Boston's biggest SF convention, Arisia, at the Westin Waterfront hotel.

 

February 4: Official publication date.

 

February 6: Book launch party at Book Moon bookstore, 86 Cottage Street, Easthampton, Massachusetts. Begins at 6:30 p.m., and features readings by me and by fantasy star Suzanne Palmer. I am trying to find a recipe for Kykeion to serve at the event, but we may have to settle for cake and ice cream.

 

February 8: Reading at Annie's Book Stop, 65 James Street, Worcester, Mass. I'll be reading and signing in the store at 6:00 p.m.

 

February 23: Reading and signing at Flights of Fantasy Books and Games, 381 Sand Creek Road, Albany, New York. Event starts at 3:00 p.m. 

 

I'll post other events as we add them.

 

Why The Initiate?

My upcoming novel The Initiate (now available for pre-order) marks a big change for me. My three previous books have all been science fiction, mostly on the "hard-SF" side of the spectrum. The Initiate is a modern-day noir fantasy, with magic and demons and a secret society of wizards in Manhattan.

Why the change?

A couple of reasons. First, blame my education. I got my degree from the University of Chicago in the History of Science, with a focus on the scientific revolution of the 17th century. For thousands of years, science and magic were close siblings — almost conjoined twins — so studying one naturally meant gaining a solid grounding in the other. I wanted the chance to use my knowledge of the occult.

My second reason is a bit more personal. Like pretty much every other literate person in the Anglosphere, I've read Rowling's Harry Potter series. And apparently unlike pretty much every other literate person in the Anglosphere, I found the Potterverse a little . . . problematic.

To me, Rowling's Potterverse shares the same problem as Stan Lee's X-Men: they are power fantasies of self-pity. If you get invited to Hogwarts or Professor Xavier's School for Gifted Youth, it means two things. First, you're better than everybody else, because of your magical or mutant superpowers. And second, you're part of a secret hidden group and get to feel sorry for yourself because the Muggle majority are jealous of your specialness.

The concept of a secret self-pitying elite is kind of contemptible.

The X-Men, at least, do have a public service mission. When they're not pitying themselves for being oppressed, they do at least go out and fight other self-pitying super-powered mutants with more totalitarian tendencies.

Rowling's secret wizards are a lot less public-spirited. They fight practitioners of the "Dark Arts" — but mostly to protect themselves, rather than others. If the Dark Lord Voldemort hadn't kept up his Wile E. Coyote campaign against Harry Potter, it's not obvious that Harry would have done anything against Voldemort in return.

Now, one can write any number of 'blog posts about this, but I decided to take the next step. I wrote a novel about a secret society of wizards in the modern world — and how they're a bunch of selfish jerks and psychopaths. My "Apkallu" wizards conceal themselves from the ordinary folk they disdain as "Subur" simply for the sake of convenience, because it's easier to be parasites on normal human civilization if the normal humans don't know you exist.

If you want to find out what happens when one man turns against the Apkallu, you can read The Initiate when it comes out February 4.

A Lovecraftian Chronology

For no very good reason I found myself making up an internal chronology of H.P. Lovecraft's horror stories. My guiding principle was that if a story doesn't have any time clues — and it's interesting to note that most of Lovecraft's stories do include specific dates — it takes place in the year in which the story was written, not published. I have left out some stories, like "In the Vault," or "The Outsider" which appear to be "non-Mythos" tales and have no clear time setting. I've also left out his "Dunsanian" fantasies.

The chronology revealed some fascinating patterns. There are a few "big years" in the Lovecraft universe: 1913, 1920, 1923, 1925, 1927, 1928, and 1932. Gamemasters who want to run a "sandbox" style Call of Cthulhu roleplaying game campaign could do worse than simply pick one of those years and start tossing out clues to ongoing events.

It also reveals some potential hidden connections among the stories. In "The Shadow Out of Time," Professor Peaslee's alien possession ends in 1913 — the same year that Wilbur Whateley is born in "The Dunwich Horror." Did Peaslee's alien controller want to avoid potential contact with the Spawn of Yog-Sothoth?

In "Pickman's Model" it appears that Richard Upton Pickman vanishes some time in 1925 (and later turns up as a ghoul living in the Dreamlands). But of course 1925 is also rocked by the nearly apocalyptic events of "The Call of Cthulhu." Did Pickman get a warning in his dreams and decide to get out of Cthulhu's way? The events of "The Horror at Red Hook" that summer look like a power play by Robert Suydam to take over the scattered and demoralized remnants of the Cthulhu Cult after the sinking of R'lyeh.

The Federal response to the events of "The Shadow Over Innsmouth" in late 1927 and early 1928 explains their curiously lackadaisickal reaction to the theft of the remains of some revered early American (it's got to be Franklin) in The Case of Charles Dexter Ward, which happens at the same time. All the government men with knowledge of the secret war against Elder Horrors are busy up in Innsmouth.

Later in 1928, "The Whisperer in Darkness" and the climax of "The Dunwich Horror" are happening almost simultaneously. Perhaps if Albert Wilmarth hadn't been off in Vermont getting chased by Mi-Go he could have gone with Dr. Armitage to deal with the invisible monster in Dunwich.

LOVECRAFTIAN CHRONOLOGY

1771: April 12 — Raid on Curwen farm and (first) death of Joseph Curwen (The Case of Charles Dexter Ward)

1838: Obed Marsh establishes cult of Dagon in Innsmouth ("The Shadow Over Innsmouth")

1843: Enoch Bowen discovers the tomb of Nephren-Ka ("The Haunter of the Dark")

1844: Bowen establishes the Church of Starry Wisdom in Providence ("The Haunter of the Dark")

1846: "Plague" in Innsmouth ("The Shadow Over Innsmouth")

1877: Church of Starry Wisdom disbands ("The Haunter of the Dark")

1878: Capt. Charles Weatherbee discovers unknown island and recovers strange mummy ("Out of the Aeons")

1882: June — Meteorite lands on Gardner farm ("The Colour Out of Space")

1884: Gardner family die ("The Colour Out of Space")

1889: Walker and Audrey Davis settle in Oklahoma, incur the wrath of Yig ("The Curse of Yig")

1890: Three monstrous snake-children born to Audrey Davis ("The Curse of Yig")

1891: Young man named Heaton explores Binger Mound, goes mad from what he saw ("The Mound")

1894: "The Transition of Juan Romero"

1901: "Beyond the Wall of Sleep"

1904: Herbert West's first experiments ("Herbert West — Reanimator")

1907: November 1 — Inspector John LeGrasse leads police raid of swamp cult south of New Orleans ("The Call of Cthulhu")

1908: May 14 — Nathaniel W. Peaslee possessed by Yithian ("The Shadow Out of Time")

1909: "Peaslee" spends a month in the Himalayas ("The Shadow Out of Time")

1910: Harry Houdini escapes captivity under the Pyramids ("Imprisoned With the Pharaohs")

1911: "Peaslee" spends time in the Empty Quarter of Arabia ("The Shadow Out of Time")

1912: "Peaslee" charters a ship to explore the Arctic north of Spitzbergen ("The Shadow Out of Time")

1912: "Peaslee" explores a cave in West Virginia for several weeks ("The Shadow Out of Time")

1913: February 2 — Wilbur Whateley born ("The Dunwich Horror")

1913: August — Death of Arthur Jermyn ("Arthur Jermyn")

1913: August — meteorite lands off Maine coast containing Greek manuscript ("The Green Meadow")

1913: September 27 — Peaslee's possession ends ("The Shadow Out of Time")

1915: Two "eastern visitors" from a small college vanish at the Binger Mound

1915: Herbert West continues experiments in field hospital in Belgium

1916: "Dagon"

1917: "The Temple"

1919: "The Statement of Randolph Carter"

1919: "The Terrible Old Man"

1919: "The Shunned House"

1920: Herbert West carried off by his experimental subjects

1920: "The Music of Erich Zann"

1920: "The Nameless City"

1920: "The Picture in the House"

1920: "From Beyond"

1921: August — destruction of a hamlet in the Catskills near Tempest Mountain ("The Lurking Fear")

1921: November — destruction of the Martense house ("The Lurking Fear")

1921: "The Hound"

1922: "The Festival"

1923: Charles Dexter Ward travels in Europe

1923: "Cool Air"

1923: July-August — "The Rats in the Walls"

1925: Ethnographer visits Guthrie, Oklahoma and hears the Yig legend ("The Curse of Yig")

1925: "Pickman's Model"

1925: March — unrest among cults worldwide, artists have strange dreams ("The Call of Cthulhu")

1925: March 22 — Island of R'lyeh rises ("The Call of Cthulhu")

1925: March 23 —Johansen encounters Cthulhu and disrupts it; R'lyeh sinks again

1925: "The Horror at Red Hook"

1926: May — Charles Dexter Ward returns to Providence

1926-27: Winter — Death of Prof. Angell ("The Call of Cthulhu")

1927: April 15 — Ward reanimates Curwen (The Case of Charles Dexter Ward)

1927: June — Outbreak of vampiric attacks in Rhode Island (The Case of Charles Dexter Ward)

1927: July — Robert Olmstead escapes Innsmouth ("The Shadow Over Innsmouth")

1927: November — Vermont floods, reports of strange creatures ("The Whisperer in Darkness")

1928: January — attempted theft of Franklin's remains (The Case of Charles Dexter Ward)

1928: February — Federal raids on Innsmouth, Curwen kills and replaces Ward

1928: March — Ward/Curwen in asylum

1928: April — Willett explores catacomb, destroys Curwen (The Case of Charles Dexter Ward)

1928: May — Akeley-Wilmarth correspondence begins ("The Whisperer in Darkness")

1928: August 3 — Wilbur Whateley killed ("The Dunwich Horror")

1928: September 9 — The Dunwich Horror strikes

1928: September 12 — Wilmarth visits Vermont and barely escapes ("The Whisperer in Darkness")

1928: September 15 — Dunwich Horror destroyed

1928: October 7 — Randolph Carter disappears ("The Silver Key")

1928: Autumn — Destruction of two wizards in Prague and Transylvania (The Case of Charles Dexter Ward)

1928: Ethnographer visits Binger, Oklahoma, explores the Mound and recovers the Zamacona scroll ("The Mound")

1929: Edward Derby marries Asenath Waite ("The Thing on the Doorstep")

1930: Randolph Carter in alien body returns to Earth, lives in disguise in Boston as "Swami Chandraputra" ("Through the Gates of the Silver Key")

1930: April 30 — Climax of "The Dreams in the Witch House"

1930: September — Miskatonic Antarctic Expedition departs Boston (At the Mountains of Madness)

1931: February 2 — Miskatonic Expedition departs Antarctica after disaster (At the Mountains of Madness)

1931: Robert Olmstead and his cousin head for Innsmouth ("The Shadow Over Innsmouth")

1932: "Swami Chandraputra" vanishes in New Orleans ("Through the Gates of the Silver Key")

1932: Asenath Derby disappears ("The Thing on the Doorstep")

1932: "Out of the Aeons"

1932: "The Horror in the Museum"

1933: Daniel Upton kills Edward Derby (maybe) ("The Thing on the Doorstep")

1935: March 28 — Team of Miskatonic scholars set out on expedition to Western Australia ("The Shadow out of Time")

1935: July 17-18 — Peaslee discovers lost city in western Australia ("The Shadow Out of Time")

1935: August 8 — "The Haunter of the Dark"

Philcon 2019!

This weekend I'll be attending the venerable PhilCon convention, in Cherry Hill, New Jersey. That's near enough to Philadelphia that you can still get scrapple for breakfast, so I guess it qualifies. Here's my schedule. Stop by and say hi!

Fri 6:00 PM in Executive Suite 623: READINGS — PAUL LEVINSON, APRIL GREY, JAMES CAMBIAS

    I'll be reading a chapter from my forthcoming novel The Initiate.

Fri 7:00 PM in Crystal Ballroom Promenade: AUTOGRAPHS — PAUL LEVINSON, APRIL GREY, JAMES CAMBIAS

Fri 8:00 PM in Plaza II: CREATING IDIOMS FOR FANTASY WORLDS

    [Robert C. Roman (mod), Alex Shvartsman, D.L. Carter, James Cambias, Ann Zeddies]

    What do you have your characters call a French braid in a world where France doesn't exist? How do you fill the descriptive lacunae created when you want to avoid language that's anacosmistic?

Fri 11:00 PM in Crystal Ballroom Three: EYE OF ARGON INTERACTIVE

    [Mark Singer (mod), Keith DeCandido, B. Lana Guggenheim, Michael Ventrella, James L. Cambias]

    Yes, I'm going back for another struggle to keep from cracking up as I read from the charmingly inept Conan knockoff The Eye of Argon. Pray for me.

Sat 11:00 AM in Plaza II: WRITING FOR ALIENS — FAMILY AND SOCIAL STRUCTURES

    [Sally Wiener Grotta (mod), Tom Purdom, Ann Zeddies, Chris Kreuter, James Cambias]

    What if a species had no concept of marriage, or placed no value on raising one's own offspring? How would you write a culture that valued other relationships over ones that are viewed as the most important to humans without them coming across as cold and uncaring?

Sat 2:00 PM in Plaza II: OBSOLETE SCIENCE

    [Earl Bennett (mod), Michael Swanwick, James L. Cambias, James Beall, B. Lana Guggenheim, Russell J. Handelman]

    Remember when spaceships went whizzing through the ether? Remember the hollow earth? What obsolete scientific ideas shaped SF, and which ones still persist in it?

Sat 5:00 PM in Plaza III: HOW TO SERVE OUR NEW ROBOT OVERLORDS

    [Simone Zelitch (mod), David Walton, Dr. Valerie Mikles, Bruce Dykes, James L. Cambias]

    What it says on the tin.

Sat 7:00 PM in Plaza II: THE EVOLUTION OF MARS

    [Darrell Schweitzer (mod), John Ashmead, Tom Purdom, James Cambias, Earl Bennett]

    How have depictions of Mars changed in SF from the imaginings of Burroughs and Bradbury to the Mars we know now from studying its surface?

Sat 8:00 PM in Plaza III: GREAT SCIENCE FICTION MCGUFFINS

    [Mary Spila (mod), Joe Siclari, Richard Stout, Christopher Hinz, James L. Cambias]

    Alfred Hitchcock defined the McGuffin as the 'object' everyone in the story is looking for. This can be anything from a secret formula to a magic amulet to a living being. Which have been the genre's most interesting ones?

Initiate Teaser #1

A little amuse-bouche to get you ready for the main course, which arrives in February — an excerpt from the beginning of my new modern fantasy novel The Initiate (now available for pre-order on Amazon, or at your friendly local bookstore):

 

         "It wasn't a bear, was it?" The voice on Samuel Arquero's phone was reedy and precise. Whoever it was hung up before he could answer. Sam tried to call back, but got a recorded voice telling him the number was not in service. He tried again with the same result. Then he just sat there in the dark living room, looking at the fire in the wood stove. A half-empty pitcher of Bloody Marys stood on the coffee table in front of him.

         That was how Sam spent most of his evenings, trying to drink himself to sleep without incurring a crippling hangover. He made his Bloody Marys with V-8 juice, so they were almost good for him.

         Half an hour later the phone rang again. Sam had it on the couch next to him and snatched it up before it could ring a second time.

         "Mr. Samuel Arquero?" asked the same voice.

         "Who are you?"

         "I want to meet with you. Name a time and place — but it must be private."

         "Can you come here? Now?"

         The voice chuckled a little bit. "If you wish. Expect me in half an hour. Needless to say, you will be alone." The call ended.

         It had to be a prank call. A very nasty one. Sam was sure the joker wouldn't show. He'd have to be crazy to do that.

         But . . . Sam turned on the porch light and tried to tidy up the living room a bit, just from habit. Since he spent most of his time there it was pretty messy, but by shoving things behind the couch and making neat piles he got it marginally presentable. There was nothing he could do about the front window — pulling down the pink insulation stapled over it would just expose the bare plywood nailed to the outside. Probably ought to get that fixed, he thought yet again.

         Of course it had been a bear. Probably rabid, according to the cops. It was crazy to think otherwise. Just his memory playing tricks. Sam knew enough about psychology to figure the bizarre image in the doorway (which never went away, never) was just a manifestation of his guilt. If he'd just looked through the window before opening the door, if he hadn't frozen in astonishment that first instant, if he'd done something the house might not be so silent and empty right now. But he never spoke of what he'd seen — what he thought he'd seen — to anyone.

         Twenty-nine minutes later there was a knock on the door. Sam hadn't heard a car pull up. He opened the door three inches, with his foot planted to keep it from swinging wider, and his right hand just touching the kindling hatchet he'd placed with the coats and boots.

         The man on the doorstep was nearly Sam's height, with sparse gray hair. He was smiling, and wore dark glasses despite the late hour. Except for the glasses, his appearance was so utterly nondescript that if Sam looked away for a moment he thought he'd forget what he looked like. The visitor pulled his hands out of his overcoat pockets and held them up for Sam to see.

         "Good evening, Mr. Arquero," he said. "May I come in?"

         "Who are you?" Sam's mouth was dry.

         "I'm the man who has taken an interest in what happened to your family last summer. You can call me Mr. Lucas."

 

Get Initiated!

My forthcoming novel The Initiate is now available for preorders from Baen Books. You can see the listing here. As you can see, there's cover art already — Sam has longer hair than I imagined him, but the lightning-dragon and the inimitable Isabella both play important roles in the story. I just handed in the final revisions, so we're on track for a February release.

So . . . what is The Initiate about?

It's about a man waging war against a secret society of wizards who have ruled the world for six thousand years. There's monsters, evil magicians, a magical market, demons, and an adorable little girl named Isabella.

Culinary/Literary Notes

I can usually eat something without telling the world about it, but tonight I made a grilled marinated Porterhouse steak with an heirloom tomato salad, followed by fresh-picked ripe strawberries and ice cream. All served up on the porch on a perfect evening.

But that's not what I actually intended to post about today. Lately I've been reading Dumas on Food, an English translation/abridgement of Alexander Dumas's Grand Dictionaire de Cuisine.

The entry on "Cavaillon Melon" includes the following passage, which I commend to all my fellow authors:

"One day I received a letter from the municipal council of Cavaillon which informed me that they were establishing a library and were desirous of securing for it the best books which they possibly could. They therefore begged me to send them those two or three of my novels which to my mind were the best. Now, I have a daughter and a son, whom I think I love equally; and I am the author of five or six hundred volumes and belive myself to be just about equally fond of them all. So I replied to the town of Cavaillon that it was not for an author to judge the merits of his books, that I thought all my books good, but that I found Cavaillon melons excellent; and that I consequently proposed to send to the town of Cavaillon a complete set of my works . . . if the municipal council would be willing to vote me a life annuity of twelve green melons."

"The municipal council of Cavaillon . . . replied by return of post that my request had been unanimously endorsed, and that I would certainly receive my life annuity, which in all likelihood is the only one that I will ever have."

While I don't have an oeuvre of six hundred volumes, and so probably can't parlay a set of my books into a lifetime supply of anything, I think I could manage a one-to-one swap. If you like science fiction or roleplaying games, and have a Zamponi sausage or some chanterelles, contact me.