Just The Caffeine Talking

Look What Arrived!

Christmas came about a week early this year! Look what arrived: freshly-printed copies of Arkad's World! If these volumes have reached my house, there's at least a sporting chance copies are getting to Amazon's warehouses or your local bookstore. Get your copy now!

I honestly believe this is the best thing I've written. Getting it finished and published took four years, but I think readers will find it worth the wait.

Post-Thanksgiving Food Bragging Post

This year we had two and a half guests for Thanksgiving¹and so decided to really pull out all the stops for an epic meal. The menu:

Hors d'Oeuvres

Pickled Herring in Sour Cream    Oyster Patties

Cremant de Bourgogne

Viandes

Roast Stuffed Breast of Turkey    Sous-Vide Breast Turkey en Mole

Juliénas Beaujolais

Legumes

Oyster Stuffing    Tamales

Roasted Brussels Sprouts    Roasted Root Vegetable Medley

Roasted Sweet Potatoes with Figs and Green Onion

Dessert

Apple Pie    Pecan Pie

Prosecco

Coffee    Tea

The only dish which was less than perfect was the stuffed turkey breast. Being skinless, it got a bit leathery on the outside, despite being wrapped in a buttered dishtowel. From now on, unless we're doing a whole bird, I think it's going to be sous-vide all the way.²

Hope you all had a delicious Thanksgiving!

¹My daughter counts as half a guest because while she does live in another state and her brother has taken over her old room . . . she is still my daughter, after all.

²Or fried. That will require some groundwork, including getting hold of a turkey fryer, and persuading Dr. Kelly that it will not involve any Great Peshtigo Fire re-enactments.³

³Too soon?

Watch the Skies!

If you do, and you're in the Southern Hemisphere looking at the constellation Norma, you might see a supernova, accompanied by a gamma-ray burst. Any day now . . . which of course means any day in the next few thousand years. Astronomical events take place over long time scales, except when they don't.

Mr. President, We May Be Looking . . .

. . . at a wargames GAP! Apparently the Pentagon needs to find replacements for the generation of beardy wargame grognards who are starting to fail their final saving rolls. Here's an article about the problem from War on the Rocks.  

Things I Want Other People to Write

I've never written fan fiction. When I was young, it felt like cheating or plagiarism to write a story set in someone else's fictional setting, or using their characters. (This was before the whole concept of "shared worlds" or "expanded universes" arose, and all works actually had a single identifiable creator.)

And when I was older, getting my own work published, I wanted to see my own creations in print. In my game writing career I've done a lot in established settings, but that always felt like a collaborative effort.

But at the same time, there are some fiction series I enjoy very much, and I've thought of some cool ideas which would make for interesting stories. Since they aren't my "properties" I don't think it would be proper to write these up, so all I can do is publish them here. Maybe the authors in question will stumble across this humble 'blog. If so: please, use these ideas if they appeal to you! I'm not the type to bring some stupid lawsuit because someone "stole my idea."

         Here's my fictional wish-list.

Lois McMaster Bujold's Vorkosigan series: I've actually got three here. The first is that she should actually put her protagonist Miles Vorkosigan in opposition to his friend, foster-brother, and feudal overlord Emperor Gregor. What does Miles do when he thinks Gregor is wrong? What if Gregor is wrong — or what if he's right and it's Miles who's wrong about something?

The second is more of a background or subplot. I want to see Miles's cousins, the non-aristocratic just plain Kosigans. It would be highly entertaining if they're just as clever as the line of Counts, but in a less law-abiding way. Or, conversely, if Miles is related to a pack of entertaining numbskulls from the Dendarii back woods.

The third is an elephant in every room of the series which the characters resolutely ignore: what happens when Barrayar and its interstellar empire no longer want to put up with being ruled by a bunch of feudal gangsters? How will Miles — and Gregor — manage the transition, especially since history is seldom kind to ex-aristocrats and unemployed monarchs.

George R.R. Martin's "Thousand Worlds" series: Oh, you don't know about this one? You've only heard of that endless giant fantasy novel/TV series? Well, guess what: before he started A Song of Ice and Fire, George R.R. Martin wrote some fantastic science fiction short stories set in a very distant future with humans spread across the Galaxy. (His "Tuf Voyaging" sequence is part of it.) I don't have a specific idea for this setting other than that I want to see more of it.

J.K. Rowling's Harry Potter series: I want the Potterverse novel for grownups. Specifically, I want one that actually tackles the issue of what it means to have a secretive hereditary caste of people with supernatural powers, who apparently consider themselves immune to ordinary laws and governments. I want to see how that plays out. (Note: I'm kind of writing this one myself anyway.)

Star Trek: I want an anthology series set in the Star Trek universe. Call it "Tales of the Federation" or something. Pretty much everyone on Earth has at least a passing familiarity with the setting, so one could use it to tell stand-alone science fiction stories without having to involve a continuing cast — thereby avoiding both the soap opera of interactions among "series regulars" and hitting the "reset" button at the end of each show. People could change, fail, die, get comeuppance, and then leave.

If anybody has me on their fictional wish-list, let me know in the comments.

        

Most Infuriating Thing I've Seen Today

I drove past a hair-styling parlor with a fancy custom neon sign showing a pair of scissors and the name of the place: "A Notch Above."

Huh?

It should be "A Cut Above." Hair parlors all have lame-ass pun names — Mane Event, Short Cuts, Shear Magic, Curl Up and Dye, Cutting Edge, Hair Today, etc. 

A Notch Above just doesn't make sense on any level. That's not even a common figure of speech. You say something or someone is "a CUT above" the norm. Not a notch. Google returns more than 600,000 hits for "A Cut Above" + hair + salon. 

Really, if they can't even get their lame-ass pun name right, I wouldn't trust the owners anywhere near my head with sharp objects.

Note: I'm sure the owners of A Notch Above are actually quite skilled and their beauty parlor is undoubtedly a lovely place. They just need to work on their lame-ass puns.

Random Encounters: The Ruined Arcology

It seemed like Utopia: a city in a single building — high-tech, secure, and "sustainable." Shopping, entertainment, health clubs, offices, and services all in one gleaming structure. When the giant multinational company built it, the planners envisioned a hundred-story "company town" filled with fifty thousand workers and executives. They'd get coddled and cared for in exchange for loyalty to the company. But no plan, especially not an architect's dream, survives contact with changing markets and land values. The company went bankrupt years ago, and now the building sits, caught in a tangle of conflicting claims and lawsuits, too big to fill and too expensive to knock down. Drifters, gangs, and all manner of shady characters have taken over entire floors. Police and the demoralized building security guards prefer to stay out.    

ENCOUNTERS IN THE RUINED ARCOLOGY

(Roll 1d20 when moving, 1d10 when stationary.)

1. Roll twice and combine
2. Plot advancing encounter: Someone or something related to whatever brought you into the ruined arcology.
3. Bats! This section is home to a huge colony of bats, which leave at twilight and return at dawn. They're harmless, but most people don't know that and a hundred thousand bats are kind of intimidating.
4. Blackout: All power goes out for 2d6 times 10 minutes. Elevators stop, corridors are pitch-dark, and electronic systems shut down.
5. Deranged Cyborg: It's an eight-foot machine of rusty steel and yellowing plastic, controlled by a human brain going mad inside its support tank.
6. Drone: An autonomous machine. Roll 1d6 to see what kind it is. 1: Biomonitor taking air samples, 2: Cleaner futilely trying to vacuum and wax the floor, 3: Delivery Drone with a package worth 1d100 dollars, 4: Hunter drone hunting you with a built-in submachine gun, 5: Media drone watching you, 6: Police/Security looking for trouble.
7. Gang Members: 2d6 young tough guys armed with knives and clubs. The leader has a pistol. They will at least demand a bribe, and may just decide to defend their turf by killing you.
8. Gas Trap: The air vents fill the room with knockout gas. Victims get a chance to notice they're feeling groggy before it takes effect. After half an hour two organ-harvesters arrive wearing gas masks. They purge the atmosphere, take out their tools, and start taking people apart.
9. Girl Scouts: 2d6 girls armed with AR-15 rifles, going door to door selling cookies. All of them have the Urban Guerrilla merit badge.
10. Vigilante: He's a veteran of urban warfare, and is fully equipped with combat armor and lots of weapons. This floor is under his protection.
11. Atrium: A hundred-story shaft with broken skylights at the top. It offers access to all floors, and a way out. There are elevators which may or may not work, stairs which may or may not be barricaded — or you could just climb up or down.
12. Burned-Out Floor: A fire swept through here a few months ago. The interior walls are blackened skeletons, the ceiling is gone, and the floor has hidden holes and gaps.
13. Chased! Roll again to see who's after you. Depending on who it is, the pursuers may be a loud angry mob, a determined hunter, or a stealthy stalker.
14. Chili Shop: Akira Minamori came here from Osaka to pursue his obsessive dream of creating the world's greatest chili. His tiny unlicensed chili parlor is neutral territory because nobody wants him to stop cooking.
15. Hacker: Xu Xi (a.k.a. "2O") used to be the keystone of the corporation's IT department, now he stays in his apartment living on drone-delivered sushi. He can use the building's monitors and security systems, and take over any drones. He knows (or can find out) a lot of secrets.
16. Holograms: This area is filled with projections of what the building designers imagined when the arcology was new. There are happy families, well-scrubbed kids, and affluent shoppers, all in demographically perfect ratios.
17. Illegal Gene Parlor: "Doc" Singh who runs this place makes a living doing basic medical care, but her passion is creating new hybrid organisms. Pull out any book of monsters to see what she's cooking up.
18. Mall Ninjas: 2d4 ninjas in full "ninja costume" armed with gift-shop katanas and throwing stars. They hide in unlikely places and attack by surprise.
19. Toxic Waste: It's expensive to dispose of hazardous substances properly, but stacking the drums in empty apartments in a building nobody cares about costs almost nothing. The unlabeled drums hold biohazards, poisons, corrosive chemicals, flammable or explosive substances, and radioactive material. And they're starting to leak . . .
20. Tracks: Roll again to see what happened or passed through just before you arrived.

SITUATIONS IN THE RUINED ARCOLOGY

(Roll 1d6 for the situation, then roll on the table above to see who or what is involved.)

1. A desires B
2. A wants to capture B
3. A wants B dead
4. A wants to go somewhere
5. A wants to solve a mystery
6. A wants X

Arkad eARC Available!

If you can't stand to wait for a printed copy of my new novel Arkad's World (and aren't picky about things like copy-editing), the electronic Advance Reading Copy is now available. Read a free sample or buy the whole thing here at the Baen Web site.

I honestly think this is my best book yet. It was delayed by a couple of false starts, and then by the loss of my editor David Hartwell at Tor, but now it's finally on the way. I'm tremendously excited that other people can finally visit the world I lived in for two years while writing it.

Random Encounters: At Scintillation

You've wandered into the amazing Holiday Inn Centre-Ville in Montreal, but there's some kind of odd event going on. Over the course of the weekend roll 1d20 every hour during the day to see who or what you encounter.

1. Roll Twice and Combine
2. Plot-Advancing Encounter: Someone or something related to whatever brought you to Montreal in the first place.
3. Dim Sum Lunch: 3d20 people eating Dim Sum at one of the many restaurants in Montreal's Chinatown.
4. Koi Pond: A large pond occupies the center of the hotel lobby, crossed by 1d6 bridges. The pond houses large goldfish — what makes them so big?
5. Tour Group: A band of 2d6 people setting out to explore Montreal's Old Port area.
6. Jo Walton: Award-winning fantasy writer and organizer of the Scintillation convention. Her motives for doing so are a secret. There is a 50 percent chance she is reading a poem or story aloud when encountered.
7. Bookseller: A stall selling books by writers at the convention. There is a 25 percent chance of finding the book you're looking for.
8. Scientists! 1d6 scientists answering questions from audience members. At least one scientist is Diane A. Kelly.
9. Hotel Bar: Overlooking the Koi Pond, it has decent Dim Sum and slightly pricey drinks. Roll again on the table to see who is having a drink.
10. Game Session: An original Call of Cthulhu scenario run by a tall balding man. There are 1d6-5 people playing.
11. Max Gladstone: Fantasy author and occasional fencer; can be bribed to join in any skullduggery.
12. Fran Wilde: Fantasy writer and artist. There is a 50 percent chance she is accompanied by an invisible flying giant squid.
13. Rich Horton: Editor and reviewer with a large beard. There is a 25 percent chance that it is his birthday.
14. Editors! 1d6 Tor Books editors armed with cake knives.
15. Ada Palmer: University of Chicago historian and science fiction novelist, equipped with a robot flying car.
16. Reading: 1d6 authors reading fiction. There is a 50 percent chance it is fantasy.
17. Panel Discussion: 2d4 writers, editors, or scholars discussing a topic related to science fiction, fantasy, or games. There is a 50 percent chance per minute of learning some valuable information.
18. Concert: 1d6 writers and professors performing original music.
19. Party! 3d20 people in a function room eating cake and drinking Canadian beer.
20. Tracks/Aftermath: Roll again to see what you just missed. There is a 50 percent chance you will be drafted to help clean up.

Time to Clean House

Academics worried about "anti-intellectualism" in modern society need to realize that the modern system of research universities and scholarly journals needs some serious housecleaning. Read this article to see why. Until scholars can muster the courage to stop encouraging and defending fashionable nonsense, the rot will continue.